Sunday

Alrighty. It's out there...I'm starting to run Sunday. Although I've been swimming, I haven't been pounding the pavement a'tall. My schedule gets insanely busy in July, but I want to use that as a catalyst instead of an excuse. So, Sunday it is.

"The measure of mental health is the disposition to find good everywhere."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

Rethinking rethinking

Do you ever feel like you need to get your life together? Like it's spiraling out of control and you have neither the time nor the energy to change the direction? I feel like I do a lot of rethinking and then end up back here. Well, not back here exactly. Maybe it's more like two steps forward and one step back. Speaking of steps, my running has been um, well, nonexistent. I have been swimming at least 3 times a week, and started lifting, but the Goofy Challenge won't be run in the water! Hence, the rethinking. No, I'm not rethinking my insane decision to do this "race" (in quotes b/c I'm not really racing anyone or anything except the finish lines). I'm rethinking my motivation. When people train for events, it has to be a part of the schedule. We all know that once you start doing something, you feel a lot better about yourself and that thing. You get better at it, and therefore enjoy it. So why can't I make myself run more than a day a week? Maybe it's because I'm "making" myself run. I'm not having fun with it. Hmmm...food for thought. Which brings me to my issues with food. My friends Erin & Lara helped me come up with a name for the seductive "nature" of food (really it was a more colorful, albeit inappropriate for common viewing, term. Janice. That witch (okay, now we're getting closer to the real title), who is named after Janus, the two faced God, is food. She is seductive, relentless, and promises all things. In reality, though, she turns on you. You see the other, ugly side. The side where food controls you. Your life is run by food, not by a higher power. It feels fulfilling but deep down, it's empty. So my life is being run by my job, food, laziness, and procrastination. I wonder if the laziness and procrastination are just rebellion against the job. The food is an entirely different issue. Maybe I'll touch on that more at another time.

So, I rethink. I regroup. I am not where I would like to be, physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally and financially. I will set clear goals, that way, I can start on the road to them. Enough thinking.

"The Warrior leaves no part of himself to laziness and weakness. All must be disciplined and mastered: Physical, Emotional, Intellectual and Spiritual. You will never scale the mountain of Power carrying twenty pounds of extra weight." — James Arthur Ray

Unlucky? Nah!

It's Friday the 13th. I'm hanging out at my Dad's for the weekend. It's awesome. We just chatted for a while before bed (it's 11 o'clock - late!!!). Some things just make me frustrated. I can't spend as much time as I'd like with family because of residency. But, when I'm done, I'll have the means and the time to do so. I'm listening to a book again my Matthew Kelley - he states that time is not the most important resource. That distinction goes to energy. We are all given 24 hours in a day, but our energy to make the most of it is what differs between us. Hmmm, I intend to agree. If someone requires me to spend 14 hours of that 24 at work, by default, my relationships suffer. I wonder, is it the best situation? Is it worth it? Now, it has to be, I suppose. I love my job, and want to do it for a long time, which will require the time commitment now. So, again, delayed gratification. There is no happiness without discipline. But no running today or yesterday (call, then driving, poor excuses) ~sigh~

Hungry, Angry, Lonely & Tired

If you've had any experience with addiction or behavior change, a basic tenet is to not let yourself get hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Today, I was post-call. I slept well (all in all considering I was in the hospital), so I thought I could blast through my day. I had a bunch of things I wanted to get done. It seems like my productive days are fewer and farther between the longer I go into residency. The good thing, I've crossed over from going INTO residency to coming OUT OF residency. I got out of work a little later than I would have liked, grabbed my running clothes and went out to run 3 miles. I made 2. It was ninety something degrees. I felt SO dehydrated. The funny thing, I walked 2 miles - I was 2 miles away from the hospital! I did get to see my dolphin playing right next to the sidewalk though. S/he is about, I don't know, 9 feet long? I'm terrible at that kind of thing. But he hung out with me and played right by the edge of the water for a few minutes. SO worth being in the right place at the right time.

I started feeling quite strange when I was driving home. Not so much tired, but out of it. When I got home, I was very, very hungry. I hadn't eaten since breakfast (bad idea) and it was after 2pm. I then proceeded to collapse on the bed and fall asleep. I really thought I'd pass out if I didn't. The thunder woke me up, so I brought the dog in, was STILL hungry, so made myself dinner. But I was laying in bed, wondering if I'm still just getting over my cold, thinking "why do I feel so horrible?". Greg was extremely supportive, for which I'm eternally grateful. With a bit of introspection I figured out that I was hungry (easy to figure that one out), angry (at myself for not being super productive on my half day off), lonely (more sad, feeling like there's so much I want to do but don't have the time or energy for), and tired (bone-deep exhausted). Being all of these things is unfortunately a great set up for overeating. So, I took a nap, ate some dinner, maybe did eat too much but not out of hand, read a book, called Greg, and stopped berating myself about not being productive. It is what it is. Hope tomorrow's better!